


Kame ga Gotoku

by tbat



Category: Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Yakuza AU, extremely canon non-compliant with any yakuza games, extremely canon non-compliant with itself these are basically all just their own Antics, relationship tagged because who knows......maybe they will kiss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28390788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbat/pseuds/tbat
Summary: The miscellaneous adventures of Zeke and Pandoria, the only two members of Kamurocho's least influential yakuza family, the von Genbus. With no manpower, no support from the Tojo Clan, and no inclination to commit that many crimes, they set out to...mostly make enough money to keep renting out their office.
Relationships: Zeke von Genbu/Saika | Pandoria
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	Kame ga Gotoku

**Author's Note:**

> this fic goes out to everyone who is both very into xenoblade 2, but specifically panzeke, and also yakuza.
> 
> this fic basically just goes out to me and kawaiiboushi, the only geniuses on the planet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hapless mugging victim is rescued by a mysterious pair of vigilantes. He is confused and upset throughout most of the proceedings.

“Heh, come on, buddy. You can’t hold out on us forever. Just hand over your wallet so we can get to partyin’ already!”

A street punk in a black jacket grinned, cracking his knuckles as he and the two others behind him- one in a dark red tracksuit, the other a baggy green hoodie- advanced on their victim, an unassuming, middle-aged man in a dull grey suit.

“I-I’m not just going to give my wallet to a bunch of hoodlums!” he yelped, his tone not particularly backing up his defiant words. His eyes shifted rapidly from side to side, scanning up and down the narrow alleyway he had been cornered in. “Where are they, where are they...!?” he murmured desperately.

“Where’re who? The cops?” the leader sneered, leaning in closer. “They know better than to come looking down these alleys, dumbass. Now, if you know what’s good for you, you better give us the cash-“

The threat was cut across by a loud, theatrical laugh that echoed up and down the alleyway. It was the kind of laugh nobody would ever naturally let out, each individual “ha”’s pitch and volume carefully chosen for maximum impact. It took a concentrated effort to laugh like that, a deep desire to let the whole world know that you were Here and Very Amused, At Present.

“Step away from the salaryman, delinquents!” called the voice once more, full of noble outrage at this injustice.

A man rounded the corner, taking long, purposeful strides towards the group. He was tall- reassuringly taller than the punks, and with a wide, muscular frame to match. His pitch-black suit was worn with the jacket wide open- and seemingly with no shirt underneath. Instead, several belts criss-crossed their way along his torso in a manner that was...striking, if not rather uncomfortable-looking. Two large pauldrons had been haphazardly attached to the shoulders of his suit, giving him the look of a knight who had been invited to a dinner party, but had been given very little time to change for the ocassion. An eyepatch peeked out from behind a few locks of his grey hair, with what appeared to be an elaborate painting of a monstrous turtle emblazoned across it. It looked, to the hapless businessman, rather like the sort of tattoo a yakuza might get.

The man flashed a confident grin, appraising the situation.

“Someone call for a pair of Part-Time Heroes?” he asked.

The businessman nodded frantically, relief and bewilderment washing over him in equal measure. Finally, his Part-Time Hero was here to chase off these punks and save the day.

“Yes, yes, that’s me! Suzuki! I made the request a few-“

He paused, his mind freezing in place. The man had said “a pair,” hadn’t he?

A flash of purple moved in his peripheral vision, immediately catching his attention, and that of the punks. Stepping out from behind the large man was a far shorter, far skinnier woman with a mass of messy, green hair. She wore an elaborate, frilly dress, its skirt wide and poofy, and a pair of large, round glasses- neither of which, one assumed, seemed particularly suited to back alley brawls. A tall collar framed her face, reaching all the way up to her ears- elf ears, a distant voice in his subconscious noted with some anxiety.

Suzuki felt a pang of despair at the notion that his saviours were a pair of cosplayers, but he supposed that was what you got when you signed up to a service called Part-Time Hero. The man looked beefy enough that it wouldn’t matter what he was wearing, anyway.

Much like the larger man, the woman’s face was set in a wide grin. It was somehow a far more ominous expression on her than it was on her companion.  _His_ grin was boastful. Arrogant. An oddly accurate impersonation of a swashbuckling movie hero, ready to swing from any local chandeliers at a moment’s notice. Hers, meanwhile, had a distinctly  _mischievous_ aura to it, as if she’d spent all morning setting up a prank and was now watching her target blunder directly into it.

The fact that she had both her hands firmly clasped behind her back did not help matters.

“Huh?! Who the fuck’re you freaks?” the leader said, stepping away from Suzuki and eyeing them suspiciously.

The man chuckled. The woman’s grin grew wider.

“Who are we?” he echoed, “Oh, nobody special. You’re only looking at the Defender of Kamurocho, the Lawless Avenger, the Turtle of Tojo...” he jerked a thumb at himself, “the infamous Zeke von Genbu!”

With a wide sweep of his arm, he gestured towards the woman, who hopped backwards to avoid being smacked in the face from the careless swing.

“And _this_ is my companion, the beautiful, the deadly... _Pandoria_!”

“Hey,” she said cheerfully, allowing one hand to emerge from behind her back for a brief wave before retreating once more.

The leader glared at them irritably.

“Zeke von...the hell!? Ain’t that a Western name?! You look pretty damn Japanese to me, buddy!”

Zeke scoffed. “Indeed, it was a title earned, not given. It was only my years of training in the frigid Scandinavian wastes that proved me worthy of my true name, worthy of inheriting the name of von Genbu...”

“He means we went to Hokkaido for a couple weeks,” Pandoria interjected.

“Pandy!” he hissed, frowning at her. “Keep the backstory straight! I learned the art of the sword from an old Scandinavian master!”

“Wow, really? Sounds pretty cool. Hey, where’s Scandinavia again?”

“W-well...” Zeke stuttered, his brow knitting in intense concentration. “Canada?” he offered after some time.

“It’s in Europe, prince.” she said with a weary sigh. It sounded like this was a regular occurrence for her. “Did you even check before you went with that for your backstory?”

“I...might have skimmed over that part.”

“Hey, I don’t give a fuck _where_ you’re from! Unless, you wanna die, you better leave us to deal with our _associate_ here,” the leader said, scowling and jerking a thumb at his hapless victim.

One of his lackeys, the one in red, stepped forward, tapping him lightly on the shoulder.

“Uh, bro?” he whispered, his voice urgent, “I think I’ve heard of these guys before. They’re freakin’ yakuza, man! Let’s just get outta here!”

The leader snorted in derision. “Yakuza? These chumps? Yeah, right.” He reached into his jacket and then whipped his hand back out, the glint of a knife flashing as he did so. “C’mon, boys! Let’s just kill ‘em and get this over with!”

His lackeys grimaced nervously, shuffling on the spot, as if weighing up whether they could get away with ditching him. Reluctantly, though, they both drew knives of their own, taking slow, shaky steps towards Zeke and Pandoria.

Suzuki let out a barely-stifled yelp. They were  _armed_ !? This wasn’t good. Not good at all. He didn’t care how strong this Zeke guy was, a knife was a knife. One stab in the wrong spot from that thing and both of them would be down for the count. What had he  _done_ ? He’d just dragged a pair of strangers to their deaths, all for his stupid wallet!

Zeke, evidently, did not share his sense of urgency over this potentially fatal situation, choosing instead to shake his head and sigh in exasperation. Pandoria mimicked the motion with uncanny speed and accuracy.

“Well, I was hoping you lot would see sense, but...nothing for it, I suppose.” Zeke shot a glance at Pandoria. “Ready, Pandy?”

“Go get ‘em, Prince,” she said, nodding.

He smirked, reaching behind his back and grasping hold of what Suzuki realized, for the first time, was a sword hilt. A  _long_ one, no less.

Somehow, he managed to squeeze in a little extra panic over this. He’d brought a  _sword_ ?! Oh God, was this maniac going to kill  _them_ instead?!

With dizzying speed, Zeke swung the sword forward as if it were weightless- a theory swiftly disproven the moment it came crashing to the ground with a thundering thud, like a sledgehammer against a brick wall.

The sole comfort Suzuki found in this terrifying show of strength was the distinctly wooden clunk it had made upon hitting the ground.

Wonderful. He wasn’t going to kill his assailants. Just horribly concuss them.

It was...a ridiculous weapon, now that he looked at it. Almost as tall as its wielder, wider than even a broadsword, and elaborately painted to give the impression of glowing, magical streaks running through it. In fact, he realized, the whole thing looked like it had been ripped straight out of a video game.

Not that its looks mattered next to the sheer  _weight_ of the thing, the impact loud enough to make even the punks’ brazen leader hesitate for a moment. Whipping his head around, he glared at his lackeys, who had begun backing away from Zeke and Pandoria in wide-eyed fear.

“Hey! Don’t even _think_ about running away! It’s just a goddamn toy! Now get them already!” he barked.

Conflicted grimaces on their faces, his lackeys froze on the spot before, eventually, the one in green charged at Zeke with his knife held out, letting out a strangled noise that attempted to find an uneasy compromise between a battle cry and a scream of terror.

And then, with that same bizarre speed, Zeke pulled the sword back towards himself, and swung again. The slab of wood arced through the air with an unfitting grace, like he was throwing a brick that had been provided a fancy evening dress, until it came crashing into the punk’s side, the sound like a whole forest of trees being felled at once.

The impact toppled the green-clad punk over, leaving him in a crumpled heap on the floor. He offered a single, quiet groan of pain as his opinion on the matter before promptly falling unconscious, his head resting against its newfound concrete pillow.

Against all better judgement, his comrade in red came charging in after him, running as low to the ground as he could in an attempt to duck under Zeke’s next swing- only for him to lift the sword up and let it come falling down on the punk’s back instead, like a low-budget missile. Smashed heavily to the floor, the punk joined his companion in taking a nice nap, rather than dealing with any of this any further.

Their leader, at last, took an anxious step away from Zeke, his gaze darting between his two effortlessly dispatched lackeys.

“Oh, you gotta be shittin’ me...” he murmured. Gripping his knife tightly, he turned his attention back towards Zeke- and then shifted it to Pandoria, still standing next to him with a carefree grin. A tight, joyless smirk curled across his lips and he darted forward, his movements far more fluid than the stiff shuffles of his lackeys.

Suzuki felt his blood run cold. He was going for  _her_ ? She didn’t even have a weapon to defend herself!

“W-watch out!” he cried out, only to find his warning was unnecessary.

With speed to match her partner’s, Pandoria whipped her hands out from behind her back, revealing a long staff. It was painted similarly to Zeke’s sword, black accented by bright blue streaks, although its tip had been painted a dull gold instead. And there, attached to the tip, was the head of a taser, violently crackling with electricity.

“Oh _shit_ -“

Her assailant’s eyes widened, his feet scraping along the ground as he tried to screech to a halt and reverse course, but Pandoria thrust the staff forward, prodding him in the stomach. Suzuki clenched his eyes tightly shut just before the moment of impact, a loud bang as if a giant bag of popcorn had exploded his only evidence it had occurred. A moment later he heard his third heavy thud, and reluctantly opened his eyes. Sure enough, he was greeted by the leader of the punks, lying flat on the ground. He made a few unintelligible noises of protest at this development before promptly passing out.

With a sigh of relief, Pandoria clicked a small button on the staff’s side, shutting off the taser. Her and Zeke then placed their hands on their chins, surveying their handiwork.

“Nice one, Pandy! Your Staff of Repellent Thunder is working wonders so far.”

“It better! I spent hours rewiring the damn thing!” Pandoria said, her hands on her hips. “What about your sword, uh...Zappy Purple Punksmasher, anyway? Looks pretty good.”

“ _Purple Lightning Dreamsmasher_ , Pandy. Honestly, did you even try and memorize my backstory?” Zeke huffed.

“Eh, I got bored at page five.”

“Uh, excuse me?” Suzuki said, carefully stepping over the unconscious bodies in his way. Once he reached his saviours, he bowed deeply. “Th-thank you very much, both of you! If you hadn’t shown up, well...I don’t even want to think about it.”

“Hah! Think nothing of it, mate! Just doing our job as Part-Time Heroes,” Zeke said, grinning and puffing his chest out in a way that suggested he wanted Suzuki to think quite a lot of it, actually.

“You gotta be more careful from now on, okay? Did you see those guys had knives? There’s some scary people in Kamurocho,” Pandoria said.

Suzuki stared at the two cosplaying yakuza, still brandishing homemade weapons, that were stood in front of him, and nodded slowly. “There...are, yes,” he said quietly.

A faint buzz began to ring out from Zeke’s pocket and he slid his phone out, glancing at the screen. He tapped the screen a few times before slipping it back into his pocket.

“Well, duty calls,” he said. “Some sort of scuffle down at the Children’s Park. Ready, Pandy?

“Aw man, the Children’s Park? That’s like, the other side of town!” Pandoria whined.

“Oh, come on, it’ll be a good warm-up!” he said, eliciting a frustrated groan from his partner. The pair turned away from Suzuki and broke into a run down the alleyway.

Just as they reached a corner, Zeke turned back and yelled “Stay safe out there, mate!”

“Don’t forget to rate us!” Pandoria called after him and, with that, they rounded the corner, vanishing from view, and from his life.

Dumbfounded, Suzuki walked quickly out of the alley, pulling his own phone out. He could still scarcely believe what had happened. Being rescued by quite possibly two of the strangest yakuza in a town filled to the brim with them hadn’t exactly been on his agenda for the day.

Still, he wasn’t one for being ungrateful, and dutifully opened up the Part-Time Hero app’s rating page. He hummed in thought, finger hovering over the screen, before eventually settling on four and a half stars. Great service, but not professionally dressed. He felt that was fair.

**Author's Note:**

> "hey tbat," you, the hypothetical third person really into panzeke and yakuza asks, "how can they be using the part-time hero app when in yakuza 7 the tojo clan isn't even in kamurocho anymore?"
> 
> don't worry about it okay
> 
> also this continues my new favourite tech of googling minor npcs from the game to name any random one-off characters, thank you, whoever you were in yakuza 0, "suzuki"


End file.
